For ME

So, I had a bit of a break-down last night. As it always happens, I get upset over one thing, Mark sits me down, and I end up babbling on about stuff I didn’t realize was bothering me until right then. 

I realized last night how scary all this is, and how insecure I am regarding my music. It’s been a long time since I’ve performed anywhere, and it’s been months since I’ve done any “real” recording. It’s been over a year since the excitement of recording on three Jenny Phillips CD’s, and other opportunities just seem to pass by. 

Also, money. Did you know that everything in life costs money? It’s pretty lame. I can do all the little demo’s I want, but if I ever want to get anywhere, it’s gonna take some serious investing, and unfortunately, paying off school loans takes precedence over my musical whims. I am very blessed to have friends in the music business like Chris Riggs of Dreamlab Productions, who is still in the process of helping me make my first EP album, consisting of three fully mastered tracks, without a large cost to me. That will be a big step. 

But, then what? I put music on iTunes and wherever else. I tell my 200 facebook fans that it’s out. My family and a few friends buy my music. A week goes by, and it’s all over, and I’ll be just like thousands of other indie artists who are white noise in the market. 

What if no one even likes my music? What if people are just saying nice things because they don’t want to hurt my feelings? What if I can’t compete in this field? What if my fragile self-esteem can’t take it? 

I vented all this to Mark, and after I blew my nose for the 27th time, he asked me why I was even doing music. 

It caught me off guard, but after thinking about it, I realized I didn’t have a definite answer. But then it occurred to me that I’m doing this for me. Just me. Because writing music makes me feel better, and helps me make sense of the world around me. 

And the reason I want to share it is because I want to touch other people’s lives, like so much music has touched mine. 

And the reason I’m making these investments in money and time is because it fills my life with purpose. 

I remembered Michael McLean talking at a workshop I attended about how there is only one “you,” and no one can tell your story like you can. And there is always one person out there who needs to hear your story, in order to live their own. 

I looked back at an old e-mail from a role model of mine, Mindy Gledhill. It comforted me that she used to have some of my same doubts and questions, but like she said,  “…anything can be as hard as you make it up to be in your mind or as easy as you make it up to be.” 

I’m gonna choose to tell myself I can do it. It’s not going to be easy, and it would be pointless for me to deceive myself. But I can believe it’s possible. 

So here’s to a new year filled with possibilities. And hey, I’m only 21. I’ve still got time.